The CEO of JPMorgan Chase & Co, Jack Dimon has described his decision to employ six poker-playing monks from South Korea as the equivalent to putting ‘egg on his face’. The USA’s largest bank announced a shock trading loss of around two billion dollars, just under half of which is reported to have been lost in South Korea by a group of six scandalous Buddhist monks.
The monks were caught on candid camera as they engaged in a night of frivolous activities that included high-stakes poker, drinking firewater and smoking the devil’s tobacco. The actions of the devout deviants has been considered especially harrowing to all parties involved as the scandal broke just days before Buddha’s historical birthday. And as a result the holiest day of the Buddhist calendar threatens to be overshadowed by a series of careless risk management failures.
Stocks in both Buddhism and JPMorgan have plummeted since the losses were announced.
JPMorgan have refused to comment on the future of the six monks, but it is believed that the heavy capital losses represent an untenable future within the firm. Regardless of their fiscal performance harsh disciplinary action will also be taken by the religion of Buddhism on the grounds of spiritual sanctimony. Buddhists are strictly forbidden from engaging in acts of theft, deceit, or intoxication.
One of the monks is said to have an extremely deceptive poker face, which has infuriated both of the parties concerned: JPMorgan were embarrassed that a training technique so integral to their sustained success had paid no dividends on this occasion; and Buddhists across the globe have expressed their shame as lying is one of the Five Precepts that fundamentally defines the religion.
Bankers have often been accused of tricking customers out of their money – stealing from them – through the use of complicated economic instruments in which the actual value of a product is cloaked in complex mathematics. The complaint against the South Korean monks mirrors this concern in the way religious money was wagered without a care for the humble institution that had funded them.
“Buddhist rules say don’t steal. Look at what they did, they abused money from Buddhists for gambling,” commented Seongho, a senior monk.
Smoking and drinking is strictly prohibited during working hours at JPMorgan, and the Buddhist sect imposes yet more stringent restraint on the two vices. With three out of the Five Precepts disregarded, it appears that the six monks have comprehensively defaulted on their agreement with God.
Of course the events portrayed in this piece do not reek of accuracy but I feel that the form reflects the content, at least in its ridiculousness. However I do not wish to ridicule the Buddhist faith or the people of Buddhism in any way; the irreverence on display in this article is aimed solely at the six ‘monks’ who betrayed their creed in such a despicable manner.
Nevertheless two facts in the story remain: six monks were caught playing poker, drinking, and smoking; and JPMorgan did report a loss of around two billion dollars. The rest is artistic license. Make of it what you will.